Little Lump is a bloody gorgeous little boy. I love him so much. I had awful PND with Fatbum and felt very little for him until he was 4 months old. This time, it's instant and it's growing all the time. In a way, I feel bad that I never felt like this with Fatbum and missed so much, but I'm more grateful to be NORMAL despite everything.
Little Lump now weighs 10lb 11oz - a 3lb weightgain. I guess the cord knots were holding my poor baby up, and he's making up for lost time.
I'm trying to move house, Ex is being a shit and the stress is getting to me...but I am coping and I am fundamentally happy.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Little Lump is here
Born 25th April, 2:24am
Sunday
I felt odd all day. I had a few really vicious cervical pains, but nothing major or long. My sisters all came round so we danced. Really danced. I was buggered up afterwards, but evidently it worked, lol. I kept feeling like my waters were going to break, but kept telling myself it was wishful thinking because I was getting closer to bedtime and my admission was looming. Everyone went home after dinner and I got Fatbum to bed, then went down to watch TV with Mum. This was around 9pm. I didn't feel right. I wasn't in pain, just felt restless and inverted. I had some ice cream and then fellt like I was weeing. I said to Mum "Either my water just broke or I'm incontinent". I asked her to come to the loo with me to check and when I got to the bottom of the stairs, it just POURED out. I went to the loo and it was clear with some blood in, but definitely water rather than wee. A load more came out on the loo. Mum went a bit hysterical - I think coz she was pleased it was finally happening rather than panicked - and got a shower curtain on the sofa in case I kept leaking. I called the midwife and she phoned back a few minutes later, saying she'd pop out around half 11 (my waters broke approx 9:30) and I phoned the ILs to come and get Fatbum. Poor Fatbum was totally baffled. I could have kept him home, but I didn't want him to be frightened. He was playing with all the towels and sheets Mum had got out ready. My FIL totally panicked when I rang him and looked terrified when he came round. I was fine, just sat on a towel in case I had any more major gushes, but in no pain. The midwife phoned again while the in laws were round to say she was gonna come over sooner rather than later. Then I kissed my boy goodbye and sat in curious limbo waiting for the midwife. I text Ex and told him my waters had gone and got back "OK. Good luck". lol.
The midwife (Suzy) turned up at half 10 and checked me over. My fundal height was 33cm by then - 9 weeks behind! She didn't want to do a VE until I was in labour coz of infection risk, so I took a low vag swab and she checked my wee and obs. Then we sort of sat around chatting. I'd had one, painless contraction before she arrived so she waited for me to have another. I told her when I had one, and the pain was in my kidneys. The pain went off long before the contraction did, coz she kept hold of me the whole time. She made me run up and down stairs a couple of times to try and get me going. I'd told her how Fatbum's labour had started almost identically, so she said she'd hang around rather than get home and have to come straight back out. I had my first "Oh shit, this is it" contraction around 11:30 and they started coming every 4 minutes after that. I didn't keep track at all, but Suzy did. C arrived around midnight - I told her she didn't have to come considering the hour, but I'm bloody glad she did after everything else that happened. By the time C got there, I was contracting regularly but not that painfully. I could still talk except at the very peak. Suzy did a VE around 12:15 and I was 2-3cm, not fully effaced, but very 'stretchy'. I felt a touch dishearted then, but then the contractions ramped up, probably from all the swishing of cervix. My labour 'start' time was 12:35am.
Monday
She phoned the second midwife out then. I was alright between contractions, but couldn't work out where I wanted to be when I was having them. I tried the toilet, which was OK. I tried crouching right down into my knees, which was really good for a while. Sue, the 2nd midwife, came out at about 1-ish. She came out in a rush because I was getting a bit pushy. They got nicely set up for the birth and then I tried kneeling on the sofa for the contractions, which was AMAZING. I recommend it. I knelt up the back and leaned on the back with a big sheet folded up under my face to whimper into. I have no idea what time anything much happened after I got on the sofa, mainly coz I had my back to the clock and everyone in the room. I kept trying to join in the conversation between contractions, but I was too buggered to turn round. I remember the midwives telling me I needed to take my trousers off and I thought "Not yet...not yet..." but then I started wanting to push at the top of the contraction, so they took my trousers off for me. It was very undignified for poor Suzy who was crouched between my legs ready to catch.
I had a couple of mega-contractions, and told Suzy I was definitely wanting to push. Then I had transition. I felt sick, but I wasn't sick, and started crying really quietly that I wanted to go to bed and I wanted my mum and suddenly thought "Bugger me, transition already". I don't think anyone heard me, I was mewing like a kitten with the pain, rather than howling. Then everything went really quiet and my next contraction had three pushes at the end of it. Mum and C thought I was lying when I said I wanted to push until I started bearing down, lol.
I started pushing around 2:10am. I couldn't coordinate it very well to start with, Mum told me to pull my chin in and focus DOWN so I tried doing that instead and that worked far better. Once his head was up to my cervix, I started getting really emotional and crying that I couldn't do it and I wanted to go to bed and I didn't want to. I remember crying "I can't, I can't, I can't" and everyone else saying "YOU CAN". Then his head crowned and I managed to breathe his head through rather than just push him straight out. I was absolutely SCREAMING by that point. I didn't mean to, I couldn't seem to help it. Then he was out, all flobbetyschlobbety. It was about 2:24am.
I was still facing away from everyone and it took a few seconds to pass him up through my legs. I kept crying that I wanted my baby. He didn't cry immediately, and it seemed an age before he did. He pinked up so fast once I had him and I rolled onto my back so I could feed him. Then I fed him and cuddled him and was a bit WOW.
In the mean time, carnage was happening. He had two true knots in his cord, which I didn't really think about right then, but his cord was thick and jelly-like at the umbilicus from where it was all pushed up. He's been double clamped. I planned to have a physiological third stage, but once the baby was born my womb didn't want to push anymore. Then I started to haemorrhage, so they gave me syntocin quickly and started tugging me about. I just wanted them to piss off and leave me alone, I felt horribly ill from the haemorrhage (my official blood loss was 650ml, so over 3 times the amount I lost with Fatbum) and I wanted to faint even though I was sitting down. I managed to push the placenta out myself, then they started fiddling about to see to what extent I'd torn. The light isn't great in my house, but they deduced that I had torn all the way through and would probably need stitching in theatre. By then, I just wanted everyone to FUCK OFF and leave me alone. They called me an ambulance and helped me get dressed and get Lump dressed. My mum washed all the blood off me - I looked like I'd been in a horrible accident, lol.
He was wide awake and staring at me and I had my hand under his bum and he felt like he did in the womb, coz I was so thin I could feel his bum really well within.
A first responder turned up first, to 'stop the clock' as they call it, at which the midwives were most scathing. The full crew showed up not long afterwards. The driver was FIT, lol. When I got up, I'd managed to bleed horribly all over the sofa despite the towels and sheeting, but Mum's got most of it out.
They got me in the ambulance and I sat on a stretcher holding Lump for his first car ride! Mum and C followed. All the neighbours must've thought something awful had happened coz I had two ambulances out! I got pulled through A+E on the stretcher and all the beaten up drunks had a look at Lump and said congratulations. I was bunged into CDS and transferred onto a bed.
A consultant came to poke me about some more. He said I'd torn all the way through, but not actually damaged anything in my arse, so I could be stitched as a second degree by a midwife. Neither Suzy nor Sue wanted to stitch me coz my sphincter was visible and they didn't want to fuck me up, so Stevie came to do it. She's the midwife who delivered Fatbum and did an excellent job of stitching that tear. Suzy told me my vaginal wall is very thin, hence why I tore so badly despite him being a smaller baby and a better controlled birth. While I was stitched up, they did Lump's weight and measurements. His head circ is 36cm and he weighs 7lb 12oz. This, to me, is tiny. It's slightly underweight for his gestational age. He was born at LEAST 8 days late, if not the full two weeks. If Fatbum had been that late, he would have been over 10lb - that's what I mean when I say he's tiny. He's small because of the cord knots as well as my general thinness.
I was stitched, then had a diclofenac suppository, then started wishing everyone would DIE and leave me alone, because there's only so much vag pulling about I can stand and the doctor was ROUGH. Suzy and Sue went home to sleep - poor Sue had a clinic yesterday and we had a cup of tea and some biscuits. Then C took Mum home. It was gone 6am by the time everyone went.
Nobody could get hold of Ex to tell him I'd had the baby because his phone died. I wonder if his bird turned the ringer off on purpose, because I'm paranoid like that. Lump settled nicely and I had a doze for a bit. Ex rang me. Eventually he'd got up and wondered why he had over 20 missed calls and two furious voicemails from his parents. A woman came and did his hearing test, then the evil midwife of husband-stealing came and did his paediatric check. I wonder if she knew I knew who she was? She looked dog rough, either way. Heh. Then I was discharged.
I LOVED his birth, I had the strange sensation of knowing EXACTLY where I was and what I was doing throughout the whole true labour. The cockup at the end is nobody's fault and didn't alienate me from the process at all. My arse is bruised as hell today and I must go to sleep!
Sunday
I felt odd all day. I had a few really vicious cervical pains, but nothing major or long. My sisters all came round so we danced. Really danced. I was buggered up afterwards, but evidently it worked, lol. I kept feeling like my waters were going to break, but kept telling myself it was wishful thinking because I was getting closer to bedtime and my admission was looming. Everyone went home after dinner and I got Fatbum to bed, then went down to watch TV with Mum. This was around 9pm. I didn't feel right. I wasn't in pain, just felt restless and inverted. I had some ice cream and then fellt like I was weeing. I said to Mum "Either my water just broke or I'm incontinent". I asked her to come to the loo with me to check and when I got to the bottom of the stairs, it just POURED out. I went to the loo and it was clear with some blood in, but definitely water rather than wee. A load more came out on the loo. Mum went a bit hysterical - I think coz she was pleased it was finally happening rather than panicked - and got a shower curtain on the sofa in case I kept leaking. I called the midwife and she phoned back a few minutes later, saying she'd pop out around half 11 (my waters broke approx 9:30) and I phoned the ILs to come and get Fatbum. Poor Fatbum was totally baffled. I could have kept him home, but I didn't want him to be frightened. He was playing with all the towels and sheets Mum had got out ready. My FIL totally panicked when I rang him and looked terrified when he came round. I was fine, just sat on a towel in case I had any more major gushes, but in no pain. The midwife phoned again while the in laws were round to say she was gonna come over sooner rather than later. Then I kissed my boy goodbye and sat in curious limbo waiting for the midwife. I text Ex and told him my waters had gone and got back "OK. Good luck". lol.
The midwife (Suzy) turned up at half 10 and checked me over. My fundal height was 33cm by then - 9 weeks behind! She didn't want to do a VE until I was in labour coz of infection risk, so I took a low vag swab and she checked my wee and obs. Then we sort of sat around chatting. I'd had one, painless contraction before she arrived so she waited for me to have another. I told her when I had one, and the pain was in my kidneys. The pain went off long before the contraction did, coz she kept hold of me the whole time. She made me run up and down stairs a couple of times to try and get me going. I'd told her how Fatbum's labour had started almost identically, so she said she'd hang around rather than get home and have to come straight back out. I had my first "Oh shit, this is it" contraction around 11:30 and they started coming every 4 minutes after that. I didn't keep track at all, but Suzy did. C arrived around midnight - I told her she didn't have to come considering the hour, but I'm bloody glad she did after everything else that happened. By the time C got there, I was contracting regularly but not that painfully. I could still talk except at the very peak. Suzy did a VE around 12:15 and I was 2-3cm, not fully effaced, but very 'stretchy'. I felt a touch dishearted then, but then the contractions ramped up, probably from all the swishing of cervix. My labour 'start' time was 12:35am.
Monday
She phoned the second midwife out then. I was alright between contractions, but couldn't work out where I wanted to be when I was having them. I tried the toilet, which was OK. I tried crouching right down into my knees, which was really good for a while. Sue, the 2nd midwife, came out at about 1-ish. She came out in a rush because I was getting a bit pushy. They got nicely set up for the birth and then I tried kneeling on the sofa for the contractions, which was AMAZING. I recommend it. I knelt up the back and leaned on the back with a big sheet folded up under my face to whimper into. I have no idea what time anything much happened after I got on the sofa, mainly coz I had my back to the clock and everyone in the room. I kept trying to join in the conversation between contractions, but I was too buggered to turn round. I remember the midwives telling me I needed to take my trousers off and I thought "Not yet...not yet..." but then I started wanting to push at the top of the contraction, so they took my trousers off for me. It was very undignified for poor Suzy who was crouched between my legs ready to catch.
I had a couple of mega-contractions, and told Suzy I was definitely wanting to push. Then I had transition. I felt sick, but I wasn't sick, and started crying really quietly that I wanted to go to bed and I wanted my mum and suddenly thought "Bugger me, transition already". I don't think anyone heard me, I was mewing like a kitten with the pain, rather than howling. Then everything went really quiet and my next contraction had three pushes at the end of it. Mum and C thought I was lying when I said I wanted to push until I started bearing down, lol.
I started pushing around 2:10am. I couldn't coordinate it very well to start with, Mum told me to pull my chin in and focus DOWN so I tried doing that instead and that worked far better. Once his head was up to my cervix, I started getting really emotional and crying that I couldn't do it and I wanted to go to bed and I didn't want to. I remember crying "I can't, I can't, I can't" and everyone else saying "YOU CAN". Then his head crowned and I managed to breathe his head through rather than just push him straight out. I was absolutely SCREAMING by that point. I didn't mean to, I couldn't seem to help it. Then he was out, all flobbetyschlobbety. It was about 2:24am.
I was still facing away from everyone and it took a few seconds to pass him up through my legs. I kept crying that I wanted my baby. He didn't cry immediately, and it seemed an age before he did. He pinked up so fast once I had him and I rolled onto my back so I could feed him. Then I fed him and cuddled him and was a bit WOW.
In the mean time, carnage was happening. He had two true knots in his cord, which I didn't really think about right then, but his cord was thick and jelly-like at the umbilicus from where it was all pushed up. He's been double clamped. I planned to have a physiological third stage, but once the baby was born my womb didn't want to push anymore. Then I started to haemorrhage, so they gave me syntocin quickly and started tugging me about. I just wanted them to piss off and leave me alone, I felt horribly ill from the haemorrhage (my official blood loss was 650ml, so over 3 times the amount I lost with Fatbum) and I wanted to faint even though I was sitting down. I managed to push the placenta out myself, then they started fiddling about to see to what extent I'd torn. The light isn't great in my house, but they deduced that I had torn all the way through and would probably need stitching in theatre. By then, I just wanted everyone to FUCK OFF and leave me alone. They called me an ambulance and helped me get dressed and get Lump dressed. My mum washed all the blood off me - I looked like I'd been in a horrible accident, lol.
He was wide awake and staring at me and I had my hand under his bum and he felt like he did in the womb, coz I was so thin I could feel his bum really well within.
A first responder turned up first, to 'stop the clock' as they call it, at which the midwives were most scathing. The full crew showed up not long afterwards. The driver was FIT, lol. When I got up, I'd managed to bleed horribly all over the sofa despite the towels and sheeting, but Mum's got most of it out.
They got me in the ambulance and I sat on a stretcher holding Lump for his first car ride! Mum and C followed. All the neighbours must've thought something awful had happened coz I had two ambulances out! I got pulled through A+E on the stretcher and all the beaten up drunks had a look at Lump and said congratulations. I was bunged into CDS and transferred onto a bed.
A consultant came to poke me about some more. He said I'd torn all the way through, but not actually damaged anything in my arse, so I could be stitched as a second degree by a midwife. Neither Suzy nor Sue wanted to stitch me coz my sphincter was visible and they didn't want to fuck me up, so Stevie came to do it. She's the midwife who delivered Fatbum and did an excellent job of stitching that tear. Suzy told me my vaginal wall is very thin, hence why I tore so badly despite him being a smaller baby and a better controlled birth. While I was stitched up, they did Lump's weight and measurements. His head circ is 36cm and he weighs 7lb 12oz. This, to me, is tiny. It's slightly underweight for his gestational age. He was born at LEAST 8 days late, if not the full two weeks. If Fatbum had been that late, he would have been over 10lb - that's what I mean when I say he's tiny. He's small because of the cord knots as well as my general thinness.
I was stitched, then had a diclofenac suppository, then started wishing everyone would DIE and leave me alone, because there's only so much vag pulling about I can stand and the doctor was ROUGH. Suzy and Sue went home to sleep - poor Sue had a clinic yesterday and we had a cup of tea and some biscuits. Then C took Mum home. It was gone 6am by the time everyone went.
Nobody could get hold of Ex to tell him I'd had the baby because his phone died. I wonder if his bird turned the ringer off on purpose, because I'm paranoid like that. Lump settled nicely and I had a doze for a bit. Ex rang me. Eventually he'd got up and wondered why he had over 20 missed calls and two furious voicemails from his parents. A woman came and did his hearing test, then the evil midwife of husband-stealing came and did his paediatric check. I wonder if she knew I knew who she was? She looked dog rough, either way. Heh. Then I was discharged.
I LOVED his birth, I had the strange sensation of knowing EXACTLY where I was and what I was doing throughout the whole true labour. The cockup at the end is nobody's fault and didn't alienate me from the process at all. My arse is bruised as hell today and I must go to sleep!
Friday, 22 April 2011
41+4
Today is the first day where I've felt REALLY pregnant. TOO pregnant.
I had a sweep on Tuesday. She told me she considered it favourable, going on my history of fast dilation from a clinically unready cervix. However, it is Friday and I remain pregnant. I have had a show, but not sure whether it was natural or triggered by the sweep. The plan is that on Monday, when I'm 42 weeks, I transfer to consultant care (so no homebirth) and they will want to do a prostin induction. Unless there's a problem with the baby, then I won't be consenting. It means I'll be swept again and go back a couple of days later to check the status quo, but I really don't want to be induced. Chances are, if induced, I'll have a very fast, very painful labour.
I'd much rather wait it out at home. I don't really mind having him in hospital, but I want to go home straight afterwards. It's easier to be discharged from midwife care than from cons care. I'll self discharge if I have to.
I'm not fed up of being pregnant, just of the anticipation. Mum's come to stay. I think she was expecting me to have delivered by now. My ex rings every day. He doesn't mind that I haven't delivered and is equally against induction, but I can tell he's getting anxious. My in laws are driving me crazy. They seem to think I'm deliberately not giving birth. Sigh.
I'd really like to cuddle my baby now.
I had a sweep on Tuesday. She told me she considered it favourable, going on my history of fast dilation from a clinically unready cervix. However, it is Friday and I remain pregnant. I have had a show, but not sure whether it was natural or triggered by the sweep. The plan is that on Monday, when I'm 42 weeks, I transfer to consultant care (so no homebirth) and they will want to do a prostin induction. Unless there's a problem with the baby, then I won't be consenting. It means I'll be swept again and go back a couple of days later to check the status quo, but I really don't want to be induced. Chances are, if induced, I'll have a very fast, very painful labour.
I'd much rather wait it out at home. I don't really mind having him in hospital, but I want to go home straight afterwards. It's easier to be discharged from midwife care than from cons care. I'll self discharge if I have to.
I'm not fed up of being pregnant, just of the anticipation. Mum's come to stay. I think she was expecting me to have delivered by now. My ex rings every day. He doesn't mind that I haven't delivered and is equally against induction, but I can tell he's getting anxious. My in laws are driving me crazy. They seem to think I'm deliberately not giving birth. Sigh.
I'd really like to cuddle my baby now.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
40+6
Still pregnant, but everything's done. Everything's ready. I've had a shit few days (my hot water broke, I had a scan, I had no birth partner available yesterday) and today my parents have helped me get everything done and all my worries are gone. So hopefully, my body will relax and the baby will be born.
I've been having pains all day, but labour is not established.
I've been having pains all day, but labour is not established.
Thursday, 14 April 2011
40+3
So, baby measures 35cm. But he's 2/5s palpable, which means his head is bloody far down and won't drop much more before birth. Nonetheless, I had a scan yesterday to check his growth and he's fine. He weighs around 2lb less than his brother did, but that's within normal limits at his gestational age. So, the consultant cleared me for a homebirth and sent me home to await events.
I await them, impatiently.
Nothing's happening apart from nonspecific cramps and backache and the odd prolonged braxton hicks. No show, no waters, no bleeding. Nothing.
I want it over, primarily because I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know what feelings are valid and which are hormonal. Then ones I have that ARE valid are discounted by others as hormones. Yes, Ex, I'm talking about you.
I await them, impatiently.
Nothing's happening apart from nonspecific cramps and backache and the odd prolonged braxton hicks. No show, no waters, no bleeding. Nothing.
I want it over, primarily because I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know what feelings are valid and which are hormonal. Then ones I have that ARE valid are discounted by others as hormones. Yes, Ex, I'm talking about you.
Monday, 11 April 2011
40
D day has passed. Well, not entirely, but unless I squeeze this baby out in the next 3 and a half hours, I'm gonna be overdue. This is no great surprise.
I've had no real signs. A few painful cramps and twinges. I keep feeling like I'm leaking water, but when I check, I'm not. I'm so emotional. I spent the morning feeling like a sack of shit, lying on my bed. I got up and had lunch and a bath, then played xbox all afternoon. Fatbum was with his nana. So you'd think I'd feel rested now, but I don't. I feel shit. I feel lonely and I miss the ex. I want a curry and a bumpy drive and some sex and since I can't drive and the curryhouse doesn't deliver, I'm getting none of them.
I'm ready for this to be done now. I have a midwife appointment tommorow.
I've had no real signs. A few painful cramps and twinges. I keep feeling like I'm leaking water, but when I check, I'm not. I'm so emotional. I spent the morning feeling like a sack of shit, lying on my bed. I got up and had lunch and a bath, then played xbox all afternoon. Fatbum was with his nana. So you'd think I'd feel rested now, but I don't. I feel shit. I feel lonely and I miss the ex. I want a curry and a bumpy drive and some sex and since I can't drive and the curryhouse doesn't deliver, I'm getting none of them.
I'm ready for this to be done now. I have a midwife appointment tommorow.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
39+6
Tommorow is D day.
Well, it probably won't be.
But it's symbolic D day.
I've been having cramps and contractions for a few days, but no show. I wish labour would start with a giant vaginal gong sounding. At least then, I wouldn't constantly be second guessing my body. I had such painful, grindy cramps last night for an hour, I was convinced that was it. But it wasn't, so I cried instead *cue eyeroll*.
I have managed to not cry today. I am hopelessly confused about Ex. I don't know how to feel about him anymore. He's being sweet. I miss him. I miss being parents. I don't especially miss him being an arsehole, or living with him. But I miss him being part of my life. He still is part of my life. He always will be. That's the joy of children.
Well, it probably won't be.
But it's symbolic D day.
I've been having cramps and contractions for a few days, but no show. I wish labour would start with a giant vaginal gong sounding. At least then, I wouldn't constantly be second guessing my body. I had such painful, grindy cramps last night for an hour, I was convinced that was it. But it wasn't, so I cried instead *cue eyeroll*.
I have managed to not cry today. I am hopelessly confused about Ex. I don't know how to feel about him anymore. He's being sweet. I miss him. I miss being parents. I don't especially miss him being an arsehole, or living with him. But I miss him being part of my life. He still is part of my life. He always will be. That's the joy of children.
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