29+4

I'm nearly 30 weeks. Three quarters of the way through. Just over two months to go.

I'm incredibly messed up at the moment. My ex doesn't seem to want to know much about the baby, and yet claims to want him. I just don't really want to go through it. I know it's going to break my mind, having this baby. And I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with that. I suspect not. I'm falling apart already.

I ask myself a thousand times a week why I kept this baby. And the fact is, I knew I couldn't abort him. I could feel him kicking. I used to wish every day for about three weeks that one day I would just lose him. God, that sounds awful, but it's how I felt. Then one day, around 17 weeks, I felt him kick from the outside. And that was the conflict over.

But I still feel conned into keeping this baby by a man who promised me things he can't deliver.
I will have to be mother and father. And yet my other son has a father, the same father, who is very active in his life.

Everything will change when he's born. Everything and nothing. There's not an ounce of forgiveness in my soul.

27+3

The third trimester is upon me, bringing with it severe anaemia. Well, I don't know HOW severe but this is when it suddenly dropped with Fatbum so I'm guessing that's why I feel like I've been poleaxed. I saw my midwife on tuesday and she thinks I'm probably losing a lot of blood via my nose, since I have a pretty much continuous nosebleed, usually with clots. I SNORT IT BACK all day. It's horrible. I'm having my bloods done tommorow. It's all routine, but I also need a clotting screen and iron profile. BAH! I say bah, but I really hope my B12 and Hb levels have dropped to a level that is OK to prescribe at. My B12 is just above borderline and my Hb is 11.3. Since then, I've had a terrible stomach bug, so hopefully that's driven me down.

I must be the only person who HOPES to be clinically anaemic every blood test!

I've also had a dental infection. Need to try and get to a dentist next week and I've been prescribed valium. ONE dose only, but it should get me over the initial panic.

My ex is moving away on saturday. This GALLS me. He's not moving very far, it's an hour in bad traffic, but he's still leaving the area when I'm 6 months pregnant and NEED his support the most. I know why he's moving (and he's moving with HER which sucks even more), but I wish he would wait til after the birth.
Aside from that and our total inability to discuss what happened, he's actually being moderately supportive. His parents are unbearable - they treat Fatbum as their own, don't acknowledge our split or the baby and offer very little support to me. I dread them. Luckily, so does he, for the same reason.
He still doesn't really interact with bump, but he's getting much better.
I wonder what will happen when the baby's born? I really think it's going to utterly evaporate the stasis we've managed to work our way round to.

Less than three months now until he makes his exit, unless he's late. Which he probably will be. I reckon he'll be born april 16th.

26+1. You know what's unfair?

When you no longer want your baby, your baby that you TTC'd for seven months for. Your baby that you thought would complete your family and your happiness. Your baby that seemed to push your husband into the arms of someone else because of the hormonal aftermath unleashed by early pregnancy. Your baby who you totally cut off for for weeks to try and get over what had happened. Your baby who kicks you all night and day as if trying to remind you everything will get better. Your baby who nobody else seems to give a fuck about. Your baby who is genetically the same as his adored older brother, and yet treated completely differently by everyone...

I feel like a terrible mother. Even though I know this won't last and I WILL want him and things WILL get easier. I feel so guilty, because my friends TTC for years, lose babies at all stages, and I'm blessed with a healthy baby and don't want him. I don't know HOW to get through the pain of what his father did to me and reconnect with him. To stop holding it against him, like any of it was his fault.

I knew I couldn't abort a baby who I could feel kicking. I knew, after miscarrying once all those years ago, that I could never throw a child's life away just because of a difficult situation. But I wanted to. I wanted to be able to pretend the guilt wouldn't kill me. I wanted to pretend I didn't care.

I do care. I love my son. I'll always love him. I just need to try very hard to want him, to get through this wall of pain and concentrate on raising my two boys.

I just have bad days and today is a very bad day.