When you no longer want your baby, your baby that you TTC'd for seven months for. Your baby that you thought would complete your family and your happiness. Your baby that seemed to push your husband into the arms of someone else because of the hormonal aftermath unleashed by early pregnancy. Your baby who you totally cut off for for weeks to try and get over what had happened. Your baby who kicks you all night and day as if trying to remind you everything will get better. Your baby who nobody else seems to give a fuck about. Your baby who is genetically the same as his adored older brother, and yet treated completely differently by everyone...
I feel like a terrible mother. Even though I know this won't last and I WILL want him and things WILL get easier. I feel so guilty, because my friends TTC for years, lose babies at all stages, and I'm blessed with a healthy baby and don't want him. I don't know HOW to get through the pain of what his father did to me and reconnect with him. To stop holding it against him, like any of it was his fault.
I knew I couldn't abort a baby who I could feel kicking. I knew, after miscarrying once all those years ago, that I could never throw a child's life away just because of a difficult situation. But I wanted to. I wanted to be able to pretend the guilt wouldn't kill me. I wanted to pretend I didn't care.
I do care. I love my son. I'll always love him. I just need to try very hard to want him, to get through this wall of pain and concentrate on raising my two boys.
I just have bad days and today is a very bad day.
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