29+4

I'm nearly 30 weeks. Three quarters of the way through. Just over two months to go.

I'm incredibly messed up at the moment. My ex doesn't seem to want to know much about the baby, and yet claims to want him. I just don't really want to go through it. I know it's going to break my mind, having this baby. And I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with that. I suspect not. I'm falling apart already.

I ask myself a thousand times a week why I kept this baby. And the fact is, I knew I couldn't abort him. I could feel him kicking. I used to wish every day for about three weeks that one day I would just lose him. God, that sounds awful, but it's how I felt. Then one day, around 17 weeks, I felt him kick from the outside. And that was the conflict over.

But I still feel conned into keeping this baby by a man who promised me things he can't deliver.
I will have to be mother and father. And yet my other son has a father, the same father, who is very active in his life.

Everything will change when he's born. Everything and nothing. There's not an ounce of forgiveness in my soul.