24+1

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person who cares about my baby boy. His father is so hopelessly confused that he prefers to withdraw completely. My family are wonderful, but I don't see them very often. My in-laws are in denial. Work seem to forget I'm pregnant at all, because my bump is quite compact and difficult to see under my work shirt. I feel very isolated.

At the same time, I am enjoying the actual pregnancy far more than I did with Fatboy. I'm less anaemic, smaller, less sick. I'm more tired, because I'm dealing with more, and the emotional train wreck that goes on in my head never stops.

My bump is about the same size as it was with Fatboy at 21 weeks. I've still got my waist, and my bump is a beautiful shape. I really like it. The baby is lovely and active, I can see him moving around now.

Life is still so unsettled, but I am becoming slowly more settled emotionally. I spend less time feeling hopeless, and more time facing up to the truth of it all. I have to be very careful when dealing with my feelings to not let too much in at once, because it's so easy to get overwhelmed. What my husband did to me before we separated was try and make me hate myself. It's a difficult thing to deal with, nevermind forgive.

I'm not afraid anymore. I feel like I can do anything.

22w 4d

I'm having a hormone surge. Not sure if the baby's having a growth spurt. I've certainly got visibly bigger in the last few days. I've also had a couple of haemorrhages this week (not vaginal), so I'm weak as a kitten and not yet on any treatment. SIGH.
I wish I could stop missing my ex. I still love him. I don't think there's any way round that to be honest. You can't just switch off after nine years. Well, apparently HE can, but I bloody can't. I'm getting used to it, but every now and then I see him and it TEARS me open that he's going back to HER.
The baby is very kicky now and my Fatbum is so lovely and affectionate. He really does get me through the bad days.

21+6

It's slowly dawning on me that my husband isn't going to turn into Superdad. That hurts me more than anything. I can find another man, one that appreciates and loves me and treats me PROPERLY. But I cannot find my children a new father. You only get one shot. And he's fucked it.

I finally have a bump I can't escape by sucking it in! Keep throwing up, get very stiff and achey in the legs and hips sometimes and anaemia is kicking in good and proper. I've got a blood test at the end of the week. I really hope my levels have dropped enough to start treatment. I had them done nearly three weeks ago and my B12 was just above the lower limit of normal and my Hb was straying into the low territory. But despite my history, my GP didn't want to start medication. Really annoys me. They don't have to put up with the fatigue, vomiting and continuous nosebleeds! It's such an easy thing to fix!

I'm really getting worried about how I'll cope with two small children. Fatbum is still breastfeeding and I don't have the energy or willpower to nightwean him. I try cuddling him to sleep instead which works about 50% of the time. My milk MUST be drying up by now. Also, I'm worried about how he will adapt to the new baby and all the coming and going. My husband, well I have no idea how useful he's going to be in the final month of pregnancy or first few weeks of life. I really can't count on him to be much of a help.

Sometimes, I'd really like to hide and cry. My husband's new residence is entirely unsuitable for a toddler, so he can't have Fatbum overnight yet. This means I get NO rest from early mornings or night waking. It's not fair. I did nothing to him and yet, I'm the one who has to suffer everything.