32+3

So, the baby's slightly small for dates. He was growing normally until this week and now his fundal height has dropped by a centimetre. It's not even clinically SFD, but because of the stress and everything, they're keeping an eye on it. If he's not up to 34cm at 34w, I need a growth scan. I'm fairly sure HE is growing fine, I think it's ME that isn't.

I still feel horribly confused and messed up. I don't know how to CONNECT to him. I might as well have a football under my skin for all I relate to him. I don't even notice him kicking most of the time. It's not how I ever thought I would be when pregnant. When I think how much I WANTED to get pregnant, when I think how I felt when I was expecting his brother. I hate myself for feeling like this. I'd give anything to be able to stop thinking of him negatively, and start wanting him.

I wish I could fastforward the next two months and just deliver him and see him and feel him and know he's mine. I imagine birth will be quite cathartic. I don't know though. I'm scared I'll feel nothing for him when he's actually born.

His father is useless. Worse than useless, because if he was actually useless, then I'd be able to forget about him. He does little tiny things that give me hope - not for reconcilliation, I'm way past THAT, but hope that he will be good dad to this baby - and then he smashes those hopes with a lumphammer. How can you not want time off work when you're baby's born? How can you say you'll support your ex and older child when you won't even TRY and be there?

He's a failure as a husband and a father. He's a failure as a man. I hope the guilt eats him alive.

I hate always having to be the strong one. I don't feel very strong. I feel like I'm being waterboarded, and everytime I think I've finally lost consciousness and died, the bastards wake me back up again and it starts all over. I want some peace. I don't want to die, I just want some peace.