41+4

Today is the first day where I've felt REALLY pregnant. TOO pregnant.

I had a sweep on Tuesday. She told me she considered it favourable, going on my history of fast dilation from a clinically unready cervix. However, it is Friday and I remain pregnant. I have had a show, but not sure whether it was natural or triggered by the sweep. The plan is that on Monday, when I'm 42 weeks, I transfer to consultant care (so no homebirth) and they will want to do a prostin induction. Unless there's a problem with the baby, then I won't be consenting. It means I'll be swept again and go back a couple of days later to check the status quo, but I really don't want to be induced. Chances are, if induced, I'll have a very fast, very painful labour.

I'd much rather wait it out at home. I don't really mind having him in hospital, but I want to go home straight afterwards. It's easier to be discharged from midwife care than from cons care. I'll self discharge if I have to.

I'm not fed up of being pregnant, just of the anticipation. Mum's come to stay. I think she was expecting me to have delivered by now. My ex rings every day. He doesn't mind that I haven't delivered and is equally against induction, but I can tell he's getting anxious. My in laws are driving me crazy. They seem to think I'm deliberately not giving birth. Sigh.

I'd really like to cuddle my baby now.

40+6

Still pregnant, but everything's done. Everything's ready. I've had a shit few days (my hot water broke, I had a scan, I had no birth partner available yesterday) and today my parents have helped me get everything done and all my worries are gone. So hopefully, my body will relax and the baby will be born.

I've been having pains all day, but labour is not established.

40+3

So, baby measures 35cm. But he's 2/5s palpable, which means his head is bloody far down and won't drop much more before birth. Nonetheless, I had a scan yesterday to check his growth and he's fine. He weighs around 2lb less than his brother did, but that's within normal limits at his gestational age. So, the consultant cleared me for a homebirth and sent me home to await events.

I await them, impatiently.

Nothing's happening apart from nonspecific cramps and backache and the odd prolonged braxton hicks. No show, no waters, no bleeding. Nothing.

I want it over, primarily because I'm an emotional wreck. I don't know what feelings are valid and which are hormonal. Then ones I have that ARE valid are discounted by others as hormones. Yes, Ex, I'm talking about you.

40

D day has passed. Well, not entirely, but unless I squeeze this baby out in the next 3 and a half hours, I'm gonna be overdue. This is no great surprise.

I've had no real signs. A few painful cramps and twinges. I keep feeling like I'm leaking water, but when I check, I'm not. I'm so emotional. I spent the morning feeling like a sack of shit, lying on my bed. I got up and had lunch and a bath, then played xbox all afternoon. Fatbum was with his nana. So you'd think I'd feel rested now, but I don't. I feel shit. I feel lonely and I miss the ex. I want a curry and a bumpy drive and some sex and since I can't drive and the curryhouse doesn't deliver, I'm getting none of them.

I'm ready for this to be done now. I have a midwife appointment tommorow.

39+6

Tommorow is D day.
Well, it probably won't be.
But it's symbolic D day.

I've been having cramps and contractions for a few days, but no show. I wish labour would start with a giant vaginal gong sounding. At least then, I wouldn't constantly be second guessing my body. I had such painful, grindy cramps last night for an hour, I was convinced that was it. But it wasn't, so I cried instead *cue eyeroll*.

I have managed to not cry today. I am hopelessly confused about Ex. I don't know how to feel about him anymore. He's being sweet. I miss him. I miss being parents. I don't especially miss him being an arsehole, or living with him. But I miss him being part of my life. He still is part of my life. He always will be. That's the joy of children.

39+3

I feel bad for wanting this baby out now. I have friends who struggle to stay pregnant and for whom every additional day the baby stays within, their chances increase. And here I am, wishing my baby would crack on before my actual due date.

But then I feel bad because I'm so pregnant, I'm a basic failure of a mother. I daren't do ANYTHING. Daren't take Fatbum to the shop or the park, daren't make any plans. He is bored out of his toddlerish mind. I have people to take him for me, but these are our last days as just Mummy and Fatbum and I'm wishing them away.

I'm getting a few signs that I may not be pregnant forever. Nothing definite. I rather think he may come at the weekend, but knowing my poor judgement, I'll probably go WEEKS overdue.

39+0

Seven days. One week.

I've had intermittent cramps all afternoon, the baby feels lower and I generally feel like the off may not be a million years away.

Odd, as most of the time, my brain has trouble with me even being pregnant, nevermind IMMINENT.

The Ex is behaving moderately well, for a change. I think reality is sinking in a bit. I'll be glad when it's over. I'm unwell, tired, achey and the only thing that isn't giving me gyp is my SIZE because I'm not that big. With Fatbum being such a BIG bum, this baby feels tiny. He's average, but compared to Fatbum, that's tiny.

38+5

I've had a FUN WEEK (not)

I've got a UTI. Nobody has given me any treatment yet and I'm in agony today. Every time Lump brushes me bladder, I'm in a paroxysm of pain.

I had the midwife on Wednesday. Lump is measuring 34cm and she couldn't tell if he was breech or ceph, so I had a jolly emergency scan. Lo! Lump is cephalic, a healthy size (though small compared to his giant brother) and slightly polyhydramnios. Nothing to worry about, I just expect a messy, wet birth and a small baby. I say small, he'll probably be 7ish pounds. Fatbum was over 9lb.

In cheerier news, he's starting to engage. As he's my second baby, this probably means he will be born fairly soon. The emotional balls of being pregnant with HIS baby is taking it's toll. Although I'm not especially uncomfortable, just tired, I am sick of being pregnant. Sick of knowing it's his baby. Sick of wondering just how useless he'll be, hypothesising how much lower he will sink. Trying desperately not to hope, yet hoping all the same that somehow he'll transform back into the man I wanted kids with.

I disgust myself.

His brother announced they're having a new baby. It galls me.

9 days til I'm due. 9 days til I can stop torturing myself with what-ifs.