21+6

It's slowly dawning on me that my husband isn't going to turn into Superdad. That hurts me more than anything. I can find another man, one that appreciates and loves me and treats me PROPERLY. But I cannot find my children a new father. You only get one shot. And he's fucked it.

I finally have a bump I can't escape by sucking it in! Keep throwing up, get very stiff and achey in the legs and hips sometimes and anaemia is kicking in good and proper. I've got a blood test at the end of the week. I really hope my levels have dropped enough to start treatment. I had them done nearly three weeks ago and my B12 was just above the lower limit of normal and my Hb was straying into the low territory. But despite my history, my GP didn't want to start medication. Really annoys me. They don't have to put up with the fatigue, vomiting and continuous nosebleeds! It's such an easy thing to fix!

I'm really getting worried about how I'll cope with two small children. Fatbum is still breastfeeding and I don't have the energy or willpower to nightwean him. I try cuddling him to sleep instead which works about 50% of the time. My milk MUST be drying up by now. Also, I'm worried about how he will adapt to the new baby and all the coming and going. My husband, well I have no idea how useful he's going to be in the final month of pregnancy or first few weeks of life. I really can't count on him to be much of a help.

Sometimes, I'd really like to hide and cry. My husband's new residence is entirely unsuitable for a toddler, so he can't have Fatbum overnight yet. This means I get NO rest from early mornings or night waking. It's not fair. I did nothing to him and yet, I'm the one who has to suffer everything.

Over halfway

When my husband left me, time stopped. I no longer felt pregnant, or felt anything for the baby. It was horrible.

Then, after a couple of weeks, I felt the baby kick properly. And then I realised that I DID want the baby, far more than I didn't anyway.
I had a scan at 19+2, and my baby's another little boy. My husband didn't come to the scan. That broke my heart afresh, but I'm trying to build up some sort of defence against that. I don't know if he's going to become more involved as I get bigger or not. He has felt the baby kick and is interested in the baby's development. He just needs to learn to separate his feelings from me from his feelings for our new son. I have to do it, and god knows it's hard enough.

I'm 20+3 now. Seems unbelievable. I don't have a bump, probably because he's breech so I have no waistbulge. I'm not in maternity clothes yet, which is actually kinda nice. I feel good about myself - I have a GLOW, allegedly, although I feel crap and anaemic. I've already collapsed once, so I suspect the old B12 deficiency is starting to kick in, but they won't start me on injections until it drops below a certain level. Sigh.

My Fatbum is being such a good boy. He's struggling to cope with his dad not being around, mainly at night, but he's a cuddly monster and he takes my pain away, at least sometimes.

End

Eleven days ago, my husband left me for another woman.
Since then, I have somehow remained alive.
The baby also lives. I heard it's heartbeat yesterday. I felt nothing.
I wanted this baby so much. WE wanted it. And now what?

12w 3d

Dear Body,

Stop throwing up. There's no need for it.

Cheers,

The Hostess

Scan

I had my scan today.
There was a bit of a rigmarole. The midwife dated me over a week ahead of my dates. That would have made me 12w today. However, the USS dept didn't get the request until MONDAY. So they squeezed me in today at 2:20pm

First thing the sono said was "I hope you don't wee if I press too hard", so very full was my bladder. Then she said that she'd found the baby, and there was only one. Relief.
(Because I already have a bump, I was slightly concerned it would be twins)

We watched the baby bucking around like a bronco for a few minutes, then she did the measurements. She did three measurements and baby measured 11+3 once and 11+4 twice, so 11+4 it is. Meaning I am due on 11th April, thereabouts.

It is a cute baby. Looks more like my husband than me, so perhaps it will have a SMALL HEAD :D

9w 6d

I've had my first midwife appointment. Home birth booked, anaemia control discussed, scan request sent. Huzzah! She made me out to be 10w 2d (this was sunday), when I would have been a maximum of 10w. So, I should get my scan just before 12w (by conception). She was surprised about my long cycles, even though she knows I'm still breastfeeding the Fatboy. So, the earliest I can possibly be due is 10th April. I think I'm due 14th April, but I could be up to 18th April. I am reluctant to get a date too 'behind' because they use the scan date for induction purposes and I do not want to be hounded about an induction when I'm not actually as overdue as they think.
We shall see how large the child is, come scan day.

I'm having a home birth because I had a very fast labour with Fatboy (4 hours, 14 minutes. An hour of transition, where I was trying desperately not to push. 55 minutes of pushing away). Allegedly my next labour will be approx half that. I iz scared. I do not want to worry about moving to hospital if labour is very very short, especially as my pain tolerance was quite high with Fatboy. I didn't realise I was fully dilated til they did a VE. I just thought I was being a wimp.

I also had a shit postnatal experience. But I'll go into that some other time.

I am starting to feel SO much better as well. I'm being regularly, but mildly sick. I can now tell the difference between hunger and nausea. I'm eating far more often, although still small portions. Diarrhoea has settled down, more or less. And I just feel better. Much happier too. I was getting utterly depressed and slightly emetophobic.

Not too much longer and the dreaded first trimester will be over!

7w 6d

I take it back. After vomiting for ten HOURS on thursday night and having stemetil to stop it (it gets reflexive after a while) at 2am, I would much rather be tired than sick.
I've been nauseous constantly since. I feel OK after my evening meal, but until then I'm sick, dizzy and faint. It sucks.

Eight weeks tommorow. The last week has zoomed by. I barely remember it, after spending most of it in bed, too weak to get up.

Ligament stretches are CANING LIKE A BITCH and I appear to have pelvic instability already. But nevermind!