Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person who cares about my baby boy. His father is so hopelessly confused that he prefers to withdraw completely. My family are wonderful, but I don't see them very often. My in-laws are in denial. Work seem to forget I'm pregnant at all, because my bump is quite compact and difficult to see under my work shirt. I feel very isolated.
At the same time, I am enjoying the actual pregnancy far more than I did with Fatboy. I'm less anaemic, smaller, less sick. I'm more tired, because I'm dealing with more, and the emotional train wreck that goes on in my head never stops.
My bump is about the same size as it was with Fatboy at 21 weeks. I've still got my waist, and my bump is a beautiful shape. I really like it. The baby is lovely and active, I can see him moving around now.
Life is still so unsettled, but I am becoming slowly more settled emotionally. I spend less time feeling hopeless, and more time facing up to the truth of it all. I have to be very careful when dealing with my feelings to not let too much in at once, because it's so easy to get overwhelmed. What my husband did to me before we separated was try and make me hate myself. It's a difficult thing to deal with, nevermind forgive.
I'm not afraid anymore. I feel like I can do anything.
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Friday, 10 December 2010
22w 4d
I'm having a hormone surge. Not sure if the baby's having a growth spurt. I've certainly got visibly bigger in the last few days. I've also had a couple of haemorrhages this week (not vaginal), so I'm weak as a kitten and not yet on any treatment. SIGH.
I wish I could stop missing my ex. I still love him. I don't think there's any way round that to be honest. You can't just switch off after nine years. Well, apparently HE can, but I bloody can't. I'm getting used to it, but every now and then I see him and it TEARS me open that he's going back to HER.
The baby is very kicky now and my Fatbum is so lovely and affectionate. He really does get me through the bad days.
I wish I could stop missing my ex. I still love him. I don't think there's any way round that to be honest. You can't just switch off after nine years. Well, apparently HE can, but I bloody can't. I'm getting used to it, but every now and then I see him and it TEARS me open that he's going back to HER.
The baby is very kicky now and my Fatbum is so lovely and affectionate. He really does get me through the bad days.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
21+6
It's slowly dawning on me that my husband isn't going to turn into Superdad. That hurts me more than anything. I can find another man, one that appreciates and loves me and treats me PROPERLY. But I cannot find my children a new father. You only get one shot. And he's fucked it.
I finally have a bump I can't escape by sucking it in! Keep throwing up, get very stiff and achey in the legs and hips sometimes and anaemia is kicking in good and proper. I've got a blood test at the end of the week. I really hope my levels have dropped enough to start treatment. I had them done nearly three weeks ago and my B12 was just above the lower limit of normal and my Hb was straying into the low territory. But despite my history, my GP didn't want to start medication. Really annoys me. They don't have to put up with the fatigue, vomiting and continuous nosebleeds! It's such an easy thing to fix!
I'm really getting worried about how I'll cope with two small children. Fatbum is still breastfeeding and I don't have the energy or willpower to nightwean him. I try cuddling him to sleep instead which works about 50% of the time. My milk MUST be drying up by now. Also, I'm worried about how he will adapt to the new baby and all the coming and going. My husband, well I have no idea how useful he's going to be in the final month of pregnancy or first few weeks of life. I really can't count on him to be much of a help.
Sometimes, I'd really like to hide and cry. My husband's new residence is entirely unsuitable for a toddler, so he can't have Fatbum overnight yet. This means I get NO rest from early mornings or night waking. It's not fair. I did nothing to him and yet, I'm the one who has to suffer everything.
I finally have a bump I can't escape by sucking it in! Keep throwing up, get very stiff and achey in the legs and hips sometimes and anaemia is kicking in good and proper. I've got a blood test at the end of the week. I really hope my levels have dropped enough to start treatment. I had them done nearly three weeks ago and my B12 was just above the lower limit of normal and my Hb was straying into the low territory. But despite my history, my GP didn't want to start medication. Really annoys me. They don't have to put up with the fatigue, vomiting and continuous nosebleeds! It's such an easy thing to fix!
I'm really getting worried about how I'll cope with two small children. Fatbum is still breastfeeding and I don't have the energy or willpower to nightwean him. I try cuddling him to sleep instead which works about 50% of the time. My milk MUST be drying up by now. Also, I'm worried about how he will adapt to the new baby and all the coming and going. My husband, well I have no idea how useful he's going to be in the final month of pregnancy or first few weeks of life. I really can't count on him to be much of a help.
Sometimes, I'd really like to hide and cry. My husband's new residence is entirely unsuitable for a toddler, so he can't have Fatbum overnight yet. This means I get NO rest from early mornings or night waking. It's not fair. I did nothing to him and yet, I'm the one who has to suffer everything.
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Over halfway
When my husband left me, time stopped. I no longer felt pregnant, or felt anything for the baby. It was horrible.
Then, after a couple of weeks, I felt the baby kick properly. And then I realised that I DID want the baby, far more than I didn't anyway.
I had a scan at 19+2, and my baby's another little boy. My husband didn't come to the scan. That broke my heart afresh, but I'm trying to build up some sort of defence against that. I don't know if he's going to become more involved as I get bigger or not. He has felt the baby kick and is interested in the baby's development. He just needs to learn to separate his feelings from me from his feelings for our new son. I have to do it, and god knows it's hard enough.
I'm 20+3 now. Seems unbelievable. I don't have a bump, probably because he's breech so I have no waistbulge. I'm not in maternity clothes yet, which is actually kinda nice. I feel good about myself - I have a GLOW, allegedly, although I feel crap and anaemic. I've already collapsed once, so I suspect the old B12 deficiency is starting to kick in, but they won't start me on injections until it drops below a certain level. Sigh.
My Fatbum is being such a good boy. He's struggling to cope with his dad not being around, mainly at night, but he's a cuddly monster and he takes my pain away, at least sometimes.
Then, after a couple of weeks, I felt the baby kick properly. And then I realised that I DID want the baby, far more than I didn't anyway.
I had a scan at 19+2, and my baby's another little boy. My husband didn't come to the scan. That broke my heart afresh, but I'm trying to build up some sort of defence against that. I don't know if he's going to become more involved as I get bigger or not. He has felt the baby kick and is interested in the baby's development. He just needs to learn to separate his feelings from me from his feelings for our new son. I have to do it, and god knows it's hard enough.
I'm 20+3 now. Seems unbelievable. I don't have a bump, probably because he's breech so I have no waistbulge. I'm not in maternity clothes yet, which is actually kinda nice. I feel good about myself - I have a GLOW, allegedly, although I feel crap and anaemic. I've already collapsed once, so I suspect the old B12 deficiency is starting to kick in, but they won't start me on injections until it drops below a certain level. Sigh.
My Fatbum is being such a good boy. He's struggling to cope with his dad not being around, mainly at night, but he's a cuddly monster and he takes my pain away, at least sometimes.
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
End
Eleven days ago, my husband left me for another woman.
Since then, I have somehow remained alive.
The baby also lives. I heard it's heartbeat yesterday. I felt nothing.
I wanted this baby so much. WE wanted it. And now what?
Since then, I have somehow remained alive.
The baby also lives. I heard it's heartbeat yesterday. I felt nothing.
I wanted this baby so much. WE wanted it. And now what?
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Friday, 24 September 2010
Scan
I had my scan today.
There was a bit of a rigmarole. The midwife dated me over a week ahead of my dates. That would have made me 12w today. However, the USS dept didn't get the request until MONDAY. So they squeezed me in today at 2:20pm
First thing the sono said was "I hope you don't wee if I press too hard", so very full was my bladder. Then she said that she'd found the baby, and there was only one. Relief.
(Because I already have a bump, I was slightly concerned it would be twins)
We watched the baby bucking around like a bronco for a few minutes, then she did the measurements. She did three measurements and baby measured 11+3 once and 11+4 twice, so 11+4 it is. Meaning I am due on 11th April, thereabouts.
It is a cute baby. Looks more like my husband than me, so perhaps it will have a SMALL HEAD :D
There was a bit of a rigmarole. The midwife dated me over a week ahead of my dates. That would have made me 12w today. However, the USS dept didn't get the request until MONDAY. So they squeezed me in today at 2:20pm
First thing the sono said was "I hope you don't wee if I press too hard", so very full was my bladder. Then she said that she'd found the baby, and there was only one. Relief.
(Because I already have a bump, I was slightly concerned it would be twins)
We watched the baby bucking around like a bronco for a few minutes, then she did the measurements. She did three measurements and baby measured 11+3 once and 11+4 twice, so 11+4 it is. Meaning I am due on 11th April, thereabouts.
It is a cute baby. Looks more like my husband than me, so perhaps it will have a SMALL HEAD :D
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
9w 6d
I've had my first midwife appointment. Home birth booked, anaemia control discussed, scan request sent. Huzzah! She made me out to be 10w 2d (this was sunday), when I would have been a maximum of 10w. So, I should get my scan just before 12w (by conception). She was surprised about my long cycles, even though she knows I'm still breastfeeding the Fatboy. So, the earliest I can possibly be due is 10th April. I think I'm due 14th April, but I could be up to 18th April. I am reluctant to get a date too 'behind' because they use the scan date for induction purposes and I do not want to be hounded about an induction when I'm not actually as overdue as they think.
We shall see how large the child is, come scan day.
I'm having a home birth because I had a very fast labour with Fatboy (4 hours, 14 minutes. An hour of transition, where I was trying desperately not to push. 55 minutes of pushing away). Allegedly my next labour will be approx half that. I iz scared. I do not want to worry about moving to hospital if labour is very very short, especially as my pain tolerance was quite high with Fatboy. I didn't realise I was fully dilated til they did a VE. I just thought I was being a wimp.
I also had a shit postnatal experience. But I'll go into that some other time.
I am starting to feel SO much better as well. I'm being regularly, but mildly sick. I can now tell the difference between hunger and nausea. I'm eating far more often, although still small portions. Diarrhoea has settled down, more or less. And I just feel better. Much happier too. I was getting utterly depressed and slightly emetophobic.
Not too much longer and the dreaded first trimester will be over!
We shall see how large the child is, come scan day.
I'm having a home birth because I had a very fast labour with Fatboy (4 hours, 14 minutes. An hour of transition, where I was trying desperately not to push. 55 minutes of pushing away). Allegedly my next labour will be approx half that. I iz scared. I do not want to worry about moving to hospital if labour is very very short, especially as my pain tolerance was quite high with Fatboy. I didn't realise I was fully dilated til they did a VE. I just thought I was being a wimp.
I also had a shit postnatal experience. But I'll go into that some other time.
I am starting to feel SO much better as well. I'm being regularly, but mildly sick. I can now tell the difference between hunger and nausea. I'm eating far more often, although still small portions. Diarrhoea has settled down, more or less. And I just feel better. Much happier too. I was getting utterly depressed and slightly emetophobic.
Not too much longer and the dreaded first trimester will be over!
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
7w 6d
I take it back. After vomiting for ten HOURS on thursday night and having stemetil to stop it (it gets reflexive after a while) at 2am, I would much rather be tired than sick.
I've been nauseous constantly since. I feel OK after my evening meal, but until then I'm sick, dizzy and faint. It sucks.
Eight weeks tommorow. The last week has zoomed by. I barely remember it, after spending most of it in bed, too weak to get up.
Ligament stretches are CANING LIKE A BITCH and I appear to have pelvic instability already. But nevermind!
I've been nauseous constantly since. I feel OK after my evening meal, but until then I'm sick, dizzy and faint. It sucks.
Eight weeks tommorow. The last week has zoomed by. I barely remember it, after spending most of it in bed, too weak to get up.
Ligament stretches are CANING LIKE A BITCH and I appear to have pelvic instability already. But nevermind!
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
6w 5d
When I was having Fatboy, morning sickness started at 6w 5d.
Although I've been sick three times in the last two weeks, I wouldn't say morning sickness has 'started', certainly not how I experienced it with Fatboy. With him, I felt sick continuously from 5DPO, and was retching daily from 5w. When I actually started being sick, it was a relief.
However, with this baby, I've been 'suddenly' sick with no retching. I feel nauseous constantly, but it's very 'low grade'. I have started off retching if I see something revolting, but in general it is FAR more low key than it was with the Fatboy.
However, the fatigue is FAR worse. I was ready for bed last night at about ... 4:30pm. I went up at 9 and was asleep by 10 and then up at 8, but I could go back to bed. It sucks. It's gonna get worse. Sigh.
I would rather be sick than tired. No contest.
Although I've been sick three times in the last two weeks, I wouldn't say morning sickness has 'started', certainly not how I experienced it with Fatboy. With him, I felt sick continuously from 5DPO, and was retching daily from 5w. When I actually started being sick, it was a relief.
However, with this baby, I've been 'suddenly' sick with no retching. I feel nauseous constantly, but it's very 'low grade'. I have started off retching if I see something revolting, but in general it is FAR more low key than it was with the Fatboy.
However, the fatigue is FAR worse. I was ready for bed last night at about ... 4:30pm. I went up at 9 and was asleep by 10 and then up at 8, but I could go back to bed. It sucks. It's gonna get worse. Sigh.
I would rather be sick than tired. No contest.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Sometimes, I remember that I can never take this pregnancy for granted. I am still continuously expecting to be bleeding whenever I go to the toilet. For me, seven weeks is a great big psychological barrier, so perhaps when I get past it, I'll be happier.
Aside from falling over (like a great, flapping whale) in the bath and straining my ENTIRE groin, I'm doing fine. Retched last night :D It's a GOOD THING. Proves the small one is growing. I'm finding more and more things revolting. Also a good sign
My little sister is due five weeks ahead of me. Ish. Might be more when I actually get an accurate dating scan. When I was having my Fatboy, both my sisters in law were pregnant. It seems I am not allowed to be pregnant alone, :D
I can't get hold of the bloody midwife to sort my booking appointment out. She's on holiday for two weeks out of the next four. I'm on holiday for a week out of the next four. I will EVENTUALLY get a booking though.
I'm getting used to peeing all the time, but not the amount of loo roll I now get through.
Aside from falling over (like a great, flapping whale) in the bath and straining my ENTIRE groin, I'm doing fine. Retched last night :D It's a GOOD THING. Proves the small one is growing. I'm finding more and more things revolting. Also a good sign
My little sister is due five weeks ahead of me. Ish. Might be more when I actually get an accurate dating scan. When I was having my Fatboy, both my sisters in law were pregnant. It seems I am not allowed to be pregnant alone, :D
I can't get hold of the bloody midwife to sort my booking appointment out. She's on holiday for two weeks out of the next four. I'm on holiday for a week out of the next four. I will EVENTUALLY get a booking though.
I'm getting used to peeing all the time, but not the amount of loo roll I now get through.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Bleurgh
I have felt mighty sick today. The curry from last night set me retching first thing. I do love to dry heave in the morning!
I keep getting awful backache. Muscular, rather than internal. I think it's from lifting the Fatboy. He needs to shrink, or lift himself!
I keep getting awful backache. Muscular, rather than internal. I think it's from lifting the Fatboy. He needs to shrink, or lift himself!
Friday, 13 August 2010
It's sinking in
So, the nausea has stepped up a gear now. I'm not being sick, I rather think tuesday was a one off, but I feel awful all day. The only time I don't feel sick is when I'm hungry. Which is rare. It's the opposite to how I was with Fatboy, when I was constantly feeling sick AND hungry, and would stop feeling sick when I ate, and I could eat ALL DAY.
Orange juice and orange pop seems to trigger particularly strong nausea, although actual oranges do not.
I think it's time to stop wearing sanitary towels now. Although I can't help thinking that if I stop, I'll start bleeding. But then I thought if I started writing in my preg book that I would start bleeding, and I haven't.
I wrote my midwife a letter asking for a booking appointment on a wednesday at NCH instead of at the surgery. They only run clinics on a tuesday at the surgery (where I work) and I can't get childcare on tuesdays. Which is fine for short appointments, but he won't be entertained for an hour while mummy and daddy fill in paperwork. So I've asked for wednesday 15th. I'll be 9, almost 10 weeks by then. She's got loads of holiday coming up. So hopefully she'll phone me on tuesday to sort that out.
I've told both my bosses now. I'll tell everyone else once my BIL and SIL know. All my siblings know already. Hubby hates telling his family anything, so I'll end up doing it. I'd like everyone to know before a family wedding, which both mine and his family will be going to, when I shall be 11w.
Orange juice and orange pop seems to trigger particularly strong nausea, although actual oranges do not.
I think it's time to stop wearing sanitary towels now. Although I can't help thinking that if I stop, I'll start bleeding. But then I thought if I started writing in my preg book that I would start bleeding, and I haven't.
I wrote my midwife a letter asking for a booking appointment on a wednesday at NCH instead of at the surgery. They only run clinics on a tuesday at the surgery (where I work) and I can't get childcare on tuesdays. Which is fine for short appointments, but he won't be entertained for an hour while mummy and daddy fill in paperwork. So I've asked for wednesday 15th. I'll be 9, almost 10 weeks by then. She's got loads of holiday coming up. So hopefully she'll phone me on tuesday to sort that out.
I've told both my bosses now. I'll tell everyone else once my BIL and SIL know. All my siblings know already. Hubby hates telling his family anything, so I'll end up doing it. I'd like everyone to know before a family wedding, which both mine and his family will be going to, when I shall be 11w.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Sick sick sick
I threw up. Four weeks, five days and I threw up. That is abysmally early.
At least it proves that the small one is thriving in there, despite shitting me up with spotting twice last week. I've had no more spotting, perhaps my cervix took my injunction to heart.
I'm so ANGRY at everything. Hormonal FURY
At least it proves that the small one is thriving in there, despite shitting me up with spotting twice last week. I've had no more spotting, perhaps my cervix took my injunction to heart.
I'm so ANGRY at everything. Hormonal FURY
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Dear cervix
Please stop bleeding. There's really no need to shit me up like this. Just be quiet, plug up and go to sleep for eight months. There's a good lump.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Symptomwatch
I keep having utterly bizarre dreams.
1. I am due to have a replacement hip operation. My bed is booked at 12. Husband is being an arsehole and finally takes me to hospital at 1:15, having refused to give me my 'last meal' the night before. He is not there when I wake up from the operation. I woke from the dream and SHOUTED AT HIM :D
2. I went to London with two LJ friends ( and we ended up in this toilet that looked like the front of an edwardian townhouse, but was just a facade with a loo behind one of the windows. One girl went in and started yelling. I asked her if she was giving birth (she's not pregnant) and she yelled back that she thought so and then came out holding a newborn girl. Called Poppy.
3. I went to a party without my hubby and ended up kissing some sixteen year old (I thought he was my age), whose virginity I was about to take when I asked him how old he was. He told me he was born in 1946 (lol) and then I found his NHS card (lol again) which said 1994. So I got off him, went to find my husband to have some sex and EVERYONE at the party came in to watch. Not in a pervy way, in a slightly annoyed way. So we couldn't finish and then he and my best friend (who's party it was) had a huge row about it.
I never had such vivid dreams with Jimmy, at least not right at the start. My main very early symptoms with him were moodiness, nausea, cramps and aches. I have all that, but also these dreams. And I don't want ANYONE touching me, not even my hubby (poor guy). I keep BITING the head off all, alternating with weeping and being overwhelmingly happy. My nipples CANE, I'm peeing constantly and I'm very snippy.
I'm tempted to test tommorow, at approx 11DPO, but I shall probably leave it til Friday (going camping in between) and then my period might have started. Which will save me a fortune in POAS.
1. I am due to have a replacement hip operation. My bed is booked at 12. Husband is being an arsehole and finally takes me to hospital at 1:15, having refused to give me my 'last meal' the night before. He is not there when I wake up from the operation. I woke from the dream and SHOUTED AT HIM :D
2. I went to London with two LJ friends ( and we ended up in this toilet that looked like the front of an edwardian townhouse, but was just a facade with a loo behind one of the windows. One girl went in and started yelling. I asked her if she was giving birth (she's not pregnant) and she yelled back that she thought so and then came out holding a newborn girl. Called Poppy.
3. I went to a party without my hubby and ended up kissing some sixteen year old (I thought he was my age), whose virginity I was about to take when I asked him how old he was. He told me he was born in 1946 (lol) and then I found his NHS card (lol again) which said 1994. So I got off him, went to find my husband to have some sex and EVERYONE at the party came in to watch. Not in a pervy way, in a slightly annoyed way. So we couldn't finish and then he and my best friend (who's party it was) had a huge row about it.
I never had such vivid dreams with Jimmy, at least not right at the start. My main very early symptoms with him were moodiness, nausea, cramps and aches. I have all that, but also these dreams. And I don't want ANYONE touching me, not even my hubby (poor guy). I keep BITING the head off all, alternating with weeping and being overwhelmingly happy. My nipples CANE, I'm peeing constantly and I'm very snippy.
I'm tempted to test tommorow, at approx 11DPO, but I shall probably leave it til Friday (going camping in between) and then my period might have started. Which will save me a fortune in POAS.
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
2ww
Not too bothered about the 2ww this month. Considering we're almost a week in already and I haven't been INSANELY DWELLING on every twinge or hormonal spurt. I feel fine, slightly crampy and I've gone off curry. But I am not second guessing my body (yet) and I am going camping next week, which should take my mind off the upcoming period.
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Bum
So, I'm literally surrounded by pregnant people, reminding me of their abundant fertility.
This doesn't so much upset me as make me want to shout MEH at them. The woman at work INFURIATES me by constantly moaning and being a wet rag because she's TIRED when the reason she's tired is because she did a 400 mile round trip at the weekend. OWN. FAULT. STOP. BITCHING.
I really want this cycle to be THE cycle, but if it isn't, then maybe I will get a blood test to confirm ovulation. My period only finished yesterday - it's RIDIC.
I also managed to horrifically sunburn myself on Sunday and still feel crispy to the touch. My shoulderblades and collar bone are so HIDEOUSLY painful that wearing clothes is kinda hard. Nudity ftw. And Fatboy keeps PINCHING it. Not. Nice.
This doesn't so much upset me as make me want to shout MEH at them. The woman at work INFURIATES me by constantly moaning and being a wet rag because she's TIRED when the reason she's tired is because she did a 400 mile round trip at the weekend. OWN. FAULT. STOP. BITCHING.
I really want this cycle to be THE cycle, but if it isn't, then maybe I will get a blood test to confirm ovulation. My period only finished yesterday - it's RIDIC.
I also managed to horrifically sunburn myself on Sunday and still feel crispy to the touch. My shoulderblades and collar bone are so HIDEOUSLY painful that wearing clothes is kinda hard. Nudity ftw. And Fatboy keeps PINCHING it. Not. Nice.
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Cycle 6
So naturally, as soon as I post that I'm hopeful, I start bleeding.
I was very upset last night. Still am. That's officially six months of trying over five cycles. There will now be more than two years between them which is the one thing I was really desperate to avoid. I'm debating whether to start temp charting, even though it seems HORRIBLY CLINICAL, at least then I'd have more of an idea what was happening.
I dreamt a year ago that I had a baby girl next april. So perhaps I will.
I was very upset last night. Still am. That's officially six months of trying over five cycles. There will now be more than two years between them which is the one thing I was really desperate to avoid. I'm debating whether to start temp charting, even though it seems HORRIBLY CLINICAL, at least then I'd have more of an idea what was happening.
I dreamt a year ago that I had a baby girl next april. So perhaps I will.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Oooh, hopeful
So, I'm not on yet. I presume I ovulated on the 18th June, making me a day late. I know I ovulated before I got ill, and I got ill on the evening of the 18th.
I did test yesterday, but it was at lunchtime at work and was negative. I have no tests at home, so I haven't done one today.
I've got no spotting. Normally I spot for a couple of days, then bleed heavily for two days, then lightly for another 4-6 days. My periods ARE LONG. This cycle is LONG - 38 days now.
I have felt sick every morning and evening since thursday. My husband remarked that my 'arse is looking bigger' this morning, which happened when I was pregnant with Fatboy. I keep getting indigestion. I'm irritable to the nth degree and ANGRY. I don't know.
I shall test in the morrow if I haven't come on. And then probably come on immediately. And weep.
I did test yesterday, but it was at lunchtime at work and was negative. I have no tests at home, so I haven't done one today.
I've got no spotting. Normally I spot for a couple of days, then bleed heavily for two days, then lightly for another 4-6 days. My periods ARE LONG. This cycle is LONG - 38 days now.
I have felt sick every morning and evening since thursday. My husband remarked that my 'arse is looking bigger' this morning, which happened when I was pregnant with Fatboy. I keep getting indigestion. I'm irritable to the nth degree and ANGRY. I don't know.
I shall test in the morrow if I haven't come on. And then probably come on immediately. And weep.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
I would give anything for a positive test today of all days.
But I'm crampy and irritable and WEEPY and daresay my period is incoming. I haven't tested, despite being a day late, because I just cannot bear the disappointment. If I don't come on by Saturday, then I'll test. But I don't feel pregnant. At all. Just miserable.
But I'm crampy and irritable and WEEPY and daresay my period is incoming. I haven't tested, despite being a day late, because I just cannot bear the disappointment. If I don't come on by Saturday, then I'll test. But I don't feel pregnant. At all. Just miserable.
Monday, 28 June 2010
The sharp sting of loss
It's been eight years
(On July 1st)
Since my first baby left me
At five short weeks and four shorter days
In a flood of blood and notmuch.
It's been eight years
But I can still remember the sight of it
And the strange calm as I flushed the toilet.
I hope I'm pregnant this month. Just to get me through. Because this is the first time in three years I've been this upset about it.
We all make choices in our lives. This was a choice I did not make.
(On July 1st)
Since my first baby left me
At five short weeks and four shorter days
In a flood of blood and notmuch.
It's been eight years
But I can still remember the sight of it
And the strange calm as I flushed the toilet.
I hope I'm pregnant this month. Just to get me through. Because this is the first time in three years I've been this upset about it.
We all make choices in our lives. This was a choice I did not make.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Scrapbooking
I am not an arty person, I'm a wordy person. I can write REAMS for HOURS, but I couldn't draw a human form with any sense of proportion.
However, I can scrapbook. I started after our wedding, and I haven't looked back. I love doing it, love the impression you get from flicking through a handcrafted photo album, with all the little momentos and precious memories.
I love it. It is my life.
However, I can scrapbook. I started after our wedding, and I haven't looked back. I love doing it, love the impression you get from flicking through a handcrafted photo album, with all the little momentos and precious memories.
I love it. It is my life.
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
2ww
How I hate thee, with thy false promises...
I think I ovulated around a week ago. I don't feel pregnant, but my BOOBIES HURT. I might not have ovulated til Monday though, so I don't know.
I have a feeling this is not our month though.
I think I ovulated around a week ago. I don't feel pregnant, but my BOOBIES HURT. I might not have ovulated til Monday though, so I don't know.
I have a feeling this is not our month though.
Thursday, 3 June 2010
CD8
This period is neverending. Last cycle it was nine days, this cycle is looking to beat that. I would totes go back on the pill were it not for the damnable trying to get pregnant thing.
Friday, 28 May 2010
Day 2
So, I feel OK today. Yesterday, I was a bit angry at my deficient body. Not particularly upset, though I shed a small tear.
I don't know why I keep failing to concieve. It wouldn't be so bad if it had been difficult the other times, but it wasn't. The baby I lost was a fumble in the dark of an accident, and Fatboy took two weeks. This is cycle five. FIVE. I never dreamed it would take this long. I've been on folic acid since NOVEMBER. I'm still breastfeeding, but ovulation is now normal and my luteal phase is 14 days. Breastfeeding causes a prolactin surge which inhibits ovulation, and can make the luteal phase very short. So I'm quite happy that I am at least working FAIRLY normally now. I'm going to give it another month, and then get a blood test to check I'm ovulating and start temperature charting. I've always avoided temp charting. It's a bit TOO obsessive for my liking.
Maybe cycle 5 will be the charm and I shall have another March baby. Is it really two years since I was gearing up to TTC the Fatboy?
However, shortly I shall be off on holiday and I can drink, eat shellfish and rare meat and swim and dance and be vigorous and all the stuff I would be avoiding if I was in early pregnancy, so there's a silver lining there at least. I should be ovulating on holiday which is added goodness.
I'm surrounded by pregnant people. A woman at work, a friend I see every week at the toddler group. All beaming and BLOOMING. Gah to them. I swig my wine and ignore them.
I don't know why I keep failing to concieve. It wouldn't be so bad if it had been difficult the other times, but it wasn't. The baby I lost was a fumble in the dark of an accident, and Fatboy took two weeks. This is cycle five. FIVE. I never dreamed it would take this long. I've been on folic acid since NOVEMBER. I'm still breastfeeding, but ovulation is now normal and my luteal phase is 14 days. Breastfeeding causes a prolactin surge which inhibits ovulation, and can make the luteal phase very short. So I'm quite happy that I am at least working FAIRLY normally now. I'm going to give it another month, and then get a blood test to check I'm ovulating and start temperature charting. I've always avoided temp charting. It's a bit TOO obsessive for my liking.
Maybe cycle 5 will be the charm and I shall have another March baby. Is it really two years since I was gearing up to TTC the Fatboy?
However, shortly I shall be off on holiday and I can drink, eat shellfish and rare meat and swim and dance and be vigorous and all the stuff I would be avoiding if I was in early pregnancy, so there's a silver lining there at least. I should be ovulating on holiday which is added goodness.
I'm surrounded by pregnant people. A woman at work, a friend I see every week at the toddler group. All beaming and BLOOMING. Gah to them. I swig my wine and ignore them.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Sigh
AF has just arrived. Trying not to be downhearted, I have so much else in my life to be happy and thankful for.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
Monday, 24 May 2010
Must...keep...not...testing...
I FEEL so DAMNED pregnant, I'm testing in the morning.
27 degrees is bloody hot for Norfolk in May. Usually it's like 21. It rarely reaches the dizzy high-20s in August. I can deal with it being ludicrously hot in OTHER places, like in Spain, but for some reason, Britain just gets MUGGY and HUMID. I like that glossy, shimmering heat you get in NATURALLY hot countries. I am jealous of Australian heat tolerance :p
Fatboy slept from 7pm-5:30am in his own bed, with just a brief wakeup feed around 1am. I'm trying so hard to wean him from the boobymilk, but he LOVES the boobymilk, so it's not very easy. Sigh.
27 degrees is bloody hot for Norfolk in May. Usually it's like 21. It rarely reaches the dizzy high-20s in August. I can deal with it being ludicrously hot in OTHER places, like in Spain, but for some reason, Britain just gets MUGGY and HUMID. I like that glossy, shimmering heat you get in NATURALLY hot countries. I am jealous of Australian heat tolerance :p
Fatboy slept from 7pm-5:30am in his own bed, with just a brief wakeup feed around 1am. I'm trying so hard to wean him from the boobymilk, but he LOVES the boobymilk, so it's not very easy. Sigh.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Something other than bodywatching
We're going on holiday to Hayling Island shortly. I had never even heard of it before booking a week in a caravan on the basis of cheapness alone. I have just searched 'things to do in Hayling' on google and came up with the following:
Funland Fun Park. There's a Funland at Trevornick holiday park in Cornwall. It is lame, but it has battle boats. If this Funland has battle boats, then the game is on!
The Light Railway. There's ALWAYS a light railway. Like people living in insignificant resorts have nothing else to do.
Fish and Chips on The Beach. Not a pleasure restricted to islands on the south coast, methinks.
Ride The Halfpipe. Because Hayling has a skatepark people. So does the mini village down the road from me.
The Adventure Playground. W00t.
I browse further down and discover this is the 'kid's list'. I can safely say Fatboy will not enjoy any of the above. So, for adult delight:
Walk the Coastal Path. I will probably do this. Endlessly. Until my hightops cut off the circulation to the rest of my legs.
Hit the Boot Sale. I presume it means there is a car boot sale, and not a sale of boots.
Try Your Hand At Golf. No thanks
Learn to Kitesurf. Sounds hideously dangerous.
Take a Wildlife Walk. Surely this is similar to walking the coastal path?
There is also a list of stuff to do if it rains, like watch the boats or a show or a meal out. Or ice skating. Yeah.
The final advice appears to be escape from the island. Go to Portsmouth instead.
I can't WAIT to go!
In other news, it's 27 degrees celsius here right now. This is unheard of. The Fatboy is melting, I am melting. We're all melting.
I am now 10DPO and increasingly impatient, but I am being good and holding off.
Funland Fun Park. There's a Funland at Trevornick holiday park in Cornwall. It is lame, but it has battle boats. If this Funland has battle boats, then the game is on!
The Light Railway. There's ALWAYS a light railway. Like people living in insignificant resorts have nothing else to do.
Fish and Chips on The Beach. Not a pleasure restricted to islands on the south coast, methinks.
Ride The Halfpipe. Because Hayling has a skatepark people. So does the mini village down the road from me.
The Adventure Playground. W00t.
I browse further down and discover this is the 'kid's list'. I can safely say Fatboy will not enjoy any of the above. So, for adult delight:
Walk the Coastal Path. I will probably do this. Endlessly. Until my hightops cut off the circulation to the rest of my legs.
Hit the Boot Sale. I presume it means there is a car boot sale, and not a sale of boots.
Try Your Hand At Golf. No thanks
Learn to Kitesurf. Sounds hideously dangerous.
Take a Wildlife Walk. Surely this is similar to walking the coastal path?
There is also a list of stuff to do if it rains, like watch the boats or a show or a meal out. Or ice skating. Yeah.
The final advice appears to be escape from the island. Go to Portsmouth instead.
I can't WAIT to go!
In other news, it's 27 degrees celsius here right now. This is unheard of. The Fatboy is melting, I am melting. We're all melting.
I am now 10DPO and increasingly impatient, but I am being good and holding off.
Friday, 21 May 2010
8DPO
8DPO is when I KNEW I was pregnant with Fatboy.
I can't decide. I felt pregnant last night. You know when you just KNOW? But then today, I feel kinda normal. I don't know. I feel crampy and sick today. I'm gonna test tuesday I think. We're planning a night out next saturday. I planned it thinking I would be OK to drink, lol.
I should add, my other half thinks I am. We will see.
I can't decide. I felt pregnant last night. You know when you just KNOW? But then today, I feel kinda normal. I don't know. I feel crampy and sick today. I'm gonna test tuesday I think. We're planning a night out next saturday. I planned it thinking I would be OK to drink, lol.
I should add, my other half thinks I am. We will see.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Monday, 17 May 2010
Friday, 14 May 2010
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
Ovulation?
Possibly. Or it could be a fakey. But we'll see. CD18 is a record for me!
Regardless, I'll be BDing like crazy til we're firmly in the 2ww
GO ON SPERM!
Regardless, I'll be BDing like crazy til we're firmly in the 2ww
GO ON SPERM!
Monday, 10 May 2010
Bum
Woman at work was late for work coz of morning sickness.
I didn't tell anyone at work til I was 12w with Fatboy. So for six weeks, I was being violently sick every morning and then cleaning myself up and going to work ON TIME.
It makes me irritable.
Still no sign of ovulation.
GOOD LUCK SUZY x
I didn't tell anyone at work til I was 12w with Fatboy. So for six weeks, I was being violently sick every morning and then cleaning myself up and going to work ON TIME.
It makes me irritable.
Still no sign of ovulation.
GOOD LUCK SUZY x
Sunday, 9 May 2010
Dreams
I dreamt I was pregnant last night. Normally, I dream of birth. But I peed on the stick and got a vast, thick positive.
So I'm kinda hopeful for this month.
I'm D15 at the moment. No sign of ovulation, but I don't usually ovulate til around D24, so not a huge surprise.
Must keep doing it. Must...make...baby...
So I'm kinda hopeful for this month.
I'm D15 at the moment. No sign of ovulation, but I don't usually ovulate til around D24, so not a huge surprise.
Must keep doing it. Must...make...baby...
Friday, 7 May 2010
Things That Should Not Be Allowed
A woman at work is approx 5w pregnant. Lucky her, right? Well, she does nought but moan. She feels sicky, she retches, her husband doesn't care, she wants to go back to bed. Wah wah wah.
It should not be allowed. Pregnant women should not bitch to TTC women. Especially when they KNOW said woman is TTC. She actually had the nerve to ask me if I was sure I wanted to go through this again.
Nob off. Bargh.
It should not be allowed. Pregnant women should not bitch to TTC women. Especially when they KNOW said woman is TTC. She actually had the nerve to ask me if I was sure I wanted to go through this again.
Nob off. Bargh.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Cycle Four, Day 11
Yeah. So it's been five months since we started trying for #2. Although, technically it's number 3. The first two happened without trying at all, so this whole HAVING TO TRY PROPERLY thing is really doing my head in. I don't temperature chart, but I do keep an eye out for fertility signs. I'm still breastfeeding #1. I have 40+ day cycles. I suck at babymaking essentially. On top of that, there is some concern that The Good Man has hormonal problems for which he's awaiting investigation.
I'm not expecting to ovulate for another two weeks. Every cycle, I pray this is the one. I wanted a small age gap between Fatboy and the next one, but it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. Le sigh.
I'm not expecting to ovulate for another two weeks. Every cycle, I pray this is the one. I wanted a small age gap between Fatboy and the next one, but it doesn't look like I'm going to get it. Le sigh.
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